Rest In Peace

An earthy smell surrounds me as I sink the shovel into the rich soil again.  And again.  Burials are so final.  So... permanent.

Never fathomed we'd ever be here...  Isn't God the God of reconciliation?  The God of peace?  I always expected healing.  Restoration.

But there is a time for every purpose under heaven.  A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.  A time to search and a time to give up as lost.  A time to keep and a time to throw away.  A time to sew together.  A time to tear apart.  And that time is now.

It. is. finished.

The cause of death?  "Pain management."  I think I was a little shocked at the news.  Pain management???  I don't understand... but then again, I do.  Because I've been motivated by that myself.

But then a lightning bolt from heaven caught me mid-sob as my soul resonated with this thought - It's not about the pain.  Not really.  That's just a symptom because of the Holy Spirit within us.  It's about purity.  That's the battle.

That's what it's been about all along.  And I've known that.  And waged war on that front.  But I never considered how far-reaching the implications.  "Not even a hint" of impurity is fitting among the saints.  How far am I willing to go?  Am I willing to lay down my life for the One who laid down His life for mine?  Or put another way.  How much do I really love Jesus?  How much have I been ravaged by the Gospel? 

Be holy as your heavenly Father is holy.

Impossible!  ...but then again, it's not.  Because we aren't talking about will-power.  But about new birth, new identity, new sight, new understanding, new desires, new power, and ultimately new conduct. 

This Jesus.  The pure, perfect, spotless Lamb of God who created the entire universe, who did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.  Willingly sacrificed Himself for His sinful creation.  For me.  Do I "tremble at the prospect of heaping insults on the blood of Christ as if it was not of infinite value" (-Piper)? 

I dig faster in this ground that has been softened by two years worth of gut-wrenching tears.  I'm... not crying now.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's because I finally see rightly?  That partial death isn't enough?  That a man can't scoop fire into his lap without being burned?  Not even an ember?  I am sure that knowing Jesus does something to a person.  On the inside.  Thinking about my Jesus and His unfailing, undeserved, unconditional love for me melts my heart and self and pride and motivates me to want to be like Him.  I love You, Jesus.

There is indeed a time for every purpose under heaven.  A time to weep and mourn.  A time to laugh and dance.  And that time will come.

Until then, rest in peace, Real Friends.  If you were still alive to me, here's what I would say:  Delight yourselves in the LORD.  Keep pursuing Him with all you are.  Build yourselves up in your most holy faith.  Pray in the Holy Spirit to keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.  

We'll worship together again on the other side.  

Along with all those who have loved Him and longed for His appearing.